I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
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The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*
7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.