I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
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MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
Had to try this trend 😊
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?