Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake

11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.

Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!

Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.

Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.

Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Him: I’m feeling under the weather.

DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: like this 🙏

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same