Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”

Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!

Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday.  When we spoke they’d

I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.

It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.

Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars

Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.