I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
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water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
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“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill