I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
