Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.

I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.

*moves to Fiji*

“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.

My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.

My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣

Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

*eats only grass-fed donuts

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

her: i’m leaving u

me: is it bc i fish for compliments

her: yes

me: or bc i’m the worst person ever

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

Therapist: What brings you here today?

Me: I’m a middle child.

Therapist: I see, classi..

Me: In between two sets of twins.

Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.

im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s

Me attempting to flirt: So do you like doing things?

You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”