I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
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Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!