I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy