Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: How painful is childbirth?

Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.

H: Okay?

Me: Then Home Goods.

H: Alright.

Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –

H: *in fetal position*

“I’m not that kind of girl.”

~That kind of girl

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.

*gets bitten

*becomes shy shy

reviewed some movies recently

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.

Only while supplies last.

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™

“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.

I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.

The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.

Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.

If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.

i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.

Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one

Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.