I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
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That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My tenant and his wife got into a huge fight last week and filed for divorce. He said “I’m bringing her Christmas gift back” then proceeded to drag a WRAPPED mop out the door and now I want to know more about this fight.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.