“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
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If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.