Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

Me: Your sandwiches are ready

16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*

Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten

16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten

if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.

*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?

Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?

Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

God: go forth and multiply

Me: I was told there would be no math.

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.

“Must you lick the knife?”

“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.

~ Me, flirting

Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!

Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser

I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?