I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
The Struggle
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.