Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying

Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious

Untrue. I’ve already gotten gastro at several Sydney pubs.

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!

[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.

A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.

BFF: Why you lying?

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.