I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
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dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Leaving the Barbers like
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
bro what is going on at twitter
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”