I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
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KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
How it started: How it’s going:
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident