I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
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Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
If people ask what my toddler daughter’s rabbit is called, I lie and tell them his name is Prince. His actual name, chosen by my daughter who heard it once but doesn’t understand the historical significance of it yet, is Hitler
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
Goodnight 🐶
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
