7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
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Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Ron is short for Aaronald
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?