@FuckabillyRex

I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

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@YosefHawel

Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.

@soulindivision2

You know when you catch people doing weird stuff in the car because they’ve forgotten anyone can see them? I’m like that, but all the time.

@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

@MarcusTheToken

Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.

@PaperWash

It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible

@JermHimselfish

My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@looktothepickle

Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people

@sonictyrant

me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken