I have a bad feeling I’ll be wearing one of those barrels with suspenders by the end of the year, but not in a fun, whimsical way.

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Most young lives are lost not because of seat belts, but because the defibrillator needs you to sign into Facebook first.


You know when you catch people doing weird stuff in the car because they’ve forgotten anyone can see them? I’m like that, but all the time.


“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”


Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.


It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible


My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood


I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.


Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people


me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken