I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
reality dating shows are fun because they let you see what psych experiments were like before everyone had to get approval from ethics boards
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.