I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
🌲😼
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.