Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.

All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.

I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon

skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say

me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.

[6 AM]

Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.

[morning bus drives by]

Child: What’s for breakfast?

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.

New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?

Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.

New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?

Me: So far? 4 years.