I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
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When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?
If a mummy was chasing me I’d just walk slightly faster
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.