I have a bitch face but I’m a parent so it’s never resting
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Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
If you drink enough tequila you’re just an open bar for vampires
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
I’m having an out of money experience.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.