I have a black belt in leather
You Might Also Like
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
My dad told us with complete confidence and authority that cake batter was dangerous to kids but not adults and we watched him lick the beaters for *years* before questioning how exactly that worked.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan