I have a black belt in leather
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“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.