I have a black belt in leather
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar