I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
When libraries troll their patrons.
i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets