I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
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A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.
I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Breakfast in bed.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.