I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Need WebMD
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
He refuses to bathe without the Melon
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
doing some research
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you