Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.

the noise i just made

If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?

Me: Working, “we” are working.

Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.

When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

“Listen to your body”

My body: you’re 42, sit tf down

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.

The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.