I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark
The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
some Old Testament wisdom
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.