Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁

Losing 😲

When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

sad day today because:

1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

Kids: Stay in school.

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.

☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇

I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.

#growingpains

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

Brain: eat that entire pizza

Stomach: please don’t

Me: *eats pizza*

Stomach: i hurt so much

Me: i feel sick

Brain: eat that dessert

Me: okay

Stomach: oh my god

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

ㅤ

Why is it spelled camouflage and not

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.