Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.

Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?

WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.

[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad

There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.

sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

me: I’m sorry, I just don’t have the mental energy to keep trying to fix you

dinner ingredients:

NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?

ME: No

NURSE: Do you do drugs?

ME: *sigh* No

NURSE: Are you sexually active?

ME: *just starts crying*

My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.

Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

this article brought to you by lions

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless

No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.

It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters

I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.