I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
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Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.