Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up

I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

lmaaaaaooooooooo

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.

After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.

If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.

Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”

“It’s 25 carats…”

[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.

[me narrating a documentary about narrators]

“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.