I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
What.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
