I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
Can confirm.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
No regrets in 2018
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
