I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I once drove a girl home from the pub and she spent the entire time messing with my car radio and changing the music then she said we should hang out sometime and I said “absolutely not”
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird