I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Stop judging people for what app they escape reality with and go back to judging them for what month they were born in
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
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this is the greatest thing ever
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.