Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.

angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught

Me: What do you want for breakfast?

Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!

Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?

Friend: any plans for the fall?

Me: do you meant autumn or civilization?

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?

It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Seems legit

I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.

If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.