Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.

Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.

I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.

I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding

“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”

My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.

*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*

Skills

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.

Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen

OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.

Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.

I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”

“What kind are you using?”

“Grape”

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?