I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
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*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
Stealing hoodies is for amateurs. Steal his car like a real woman.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.