I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
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[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
if you pick a movie that’s longer than the flight the pilot gets a notification to fly around for a bit
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me