I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
You Might Also Like
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
“I don’t do politics.”
Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]