I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
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Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I’m putting together a team
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.