I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
his wife is probably gonna see that
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s