Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.

Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.

I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.

My kitchen overserved me.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

[ first day as surgeon ]

me: and now we let the anesthesia set in

patient: do i get some too

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.

I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again

You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

my son ordering a “well done” steak bc he thought it meant they would do a better job

When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account

[grocery store]

Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery

[radioshack meeting]

employee: sir, overall sales are really low.

CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?

waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

*feels comfortable*

comfortable: *slaps hand away*

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.