Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long

i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!

saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore

With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.

If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.

Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

is it earth

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?

Me

5:

Me: Get some coffee

You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.

Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram

[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”

Wife: “I’m the same”

Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.