I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.
Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..
I hate myself
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
S/o to @funTweeters .
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
