I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
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I don’t like video “games” where you gotta run around collecting shit. You’re not fooling me. Those are errands
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I ruined my diet to finish the last 5 donuts in the office because my coworkers are on a diet too so yeah, I sacrifice for the people I love
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Stop sending me this shit.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me