Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.

Sex so good your binoculars fog up.

Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.

Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.

The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.

Every
Single
Year

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

{The Mothburbs}

Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*

I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?

Me: I’m not sure.

Her: Is that other guy her brother?

Me: Maybe?

Her: Haven’t you been watching this?

Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.

The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.

Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you

A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.

You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.

I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of

What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT