“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
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Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Boss: Did you have anything to add?
Me: I totally agree. That’s why I only buy real butter.
Boss: Do… do you think this meeting is about the company’s gross margarine?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
How actors in movies eat their food
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.