I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
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7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
just having fun
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
From Facebook just now…
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.