I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
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The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Seven wives and no alcohol?
No thanks Mormons.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
The First Farmer
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
what day is it?
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.