I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
You Might Also Like
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.