I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
You Might Also Like
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck