Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.

as a kid: i have to save up for this toy

as an adult: i have to save up for this rent

him, texting from the party: where did you go???

me, already home in bed: bathroom brb

Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”

[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.

GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT

Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!

Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–

GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN

Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants

Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*

Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit