Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises

me: *chopping onions*

wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?

me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt

Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?

Mugger: no

Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(

wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair

If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room

[grocery store]

Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this

Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him

Alexa, make me look good naked.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

[family meeting]

Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong

Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?

Wife: Nah, we can start

When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings

I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience

I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what