Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.

So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.

FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.

Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.

I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.

My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.

looks legit

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.

FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake

sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people

Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

[Being murdered]

You’re on my hair

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

July is so long that it feels like August is avoiding us

Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.

KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY

ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it