I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Message from the dog groomers
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE