I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’ve been following this strict diet all week & so far all I’ve lost is my patience
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!