I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me (terrified they’ll discover I’m a vampire): In ze mirrors like everyone else .. vhy?
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
😂😂😂
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens