I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
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On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few