“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I don’t believe him.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
My kids accidentally knocked down Elfie and what followed was a total freak out about how he’ll lose his powers.
But I eventually calmed down.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?