“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Breaking news:
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
lmfao
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!