Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.

Being married to me:

Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.

Here’s a meme

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.

Anyway. Monkey for sale.

SPLOOT

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed

Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”

Friends: “No thanks.”

Enemies: “Also no thanks.”

It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.

The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.

If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

How do I get a job writing these texts

If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again

I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”